The Little Collection of Humor

english
While out walking on the African veld one day, a missionary suddenly came face to face with a lion. Thinking that his situation was hopeless, he sank to his knees in prayer, but then became greatly relieved when the lion got down on his knees beside him.

«Dear brother lion,» said the missionary, «how heartening it is to find you joining me in Christian prayer when a few moments ago I feared for my life!»

«Don’t interrupt,» growled the lion, «while I’m saying grace!»

***

Mom: We can’t keep a horse in the house. Think of the smell.

Son: Is it a joke? Don’t worry. She ’ll get used to it!

***

Friend: Gee, you smell good. What have you got on?

David: Clean socks.

***

First guy: Say, are you warm from the sun?

Second guy: No, I’m Smith from the Times.

***

Ron: I only gamble for laughs.

Don: Me too. Last week I laughed away my car.

***

Mike: I hear that you went fishing last week. Did you get anything?

Sid: Yep. Sunburned and mosquito bites.

***

What kind of party did the friends of the female vampire give her before her wedding?

A blood bath.

***

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer can take his wing-tips off.

***

How is an airline pilot like a football player?

They both like to make safe touchdowns.

***

What should a fullback do when he gets a handoff?

Go to a secondhand store.

***

First fan: Did you hear about the wrestler whose nose ran and feet smelled?

Second fan: No, what was wrong with him?

First fan: He was built upside down!

***

My neighbor has a neurotic dog. I think it’s because he named his dog Stay. Every afternoon I hear the guy calling, «Here, Stay. Here, Stay!»

***

«My dog’s got no nose!»

«That’s too bad. How does he smell?»

«Terrible!»

***

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an accident?

Now he’s all right!

***

How did the leper stop the card game?

He threw his hand in.

***

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

***

How many redneck’s does it take to eat a possum?

Three. One to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.

***

Jim: So, Sam, how’d you do in Las Vegas?

Sam: Very well! I went there in a $10,000 automobile and came home in a $20,000 bus.

***

Why did the basketball wear a bib?

So it wouldn’t dribble.

***

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick.

***

If Elvis were to appear on stage tomorrow, how would he do?

He’d stink.

***

What are hippies for?

To keep your leggies up.

***

What goes up a drainpipe down, but can’t go down a drainpipe up?

An umbrella.

***

The barber is preparing to cut the young boy’s hair. «So, how do you want your hair cut?» he asked.

«just like Daddy’s,» said the youth. «With a hole in the top.»

***

Jim: I’m glad I wasn’t born in France.

Ed: Why?

Jim: I can’t speak a word of French.

***

As the judge said to the dentist, «Do you promise to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth, so help you?»

***

Customer: May I try on that blue suit in the window?

Salesman: No, sir. You’ll have to use the dressing room.

***

Jim: They’re not going to grow bananas any longer.

Ed: Why not?

Jim: They’re long enough already!

***

Jim: This match you gave me won’t light.

Ed: That’s funny. It did this morning.

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